Starting Treatment & Therapy: My Obsession Confession

As I've stated in previous entries, I've been dealing with Eating Disorder behaviors since high school. In my late teens and early 20's I was anorexic - eating less than 800 calories per day at one point while exercising 2+ hours per day. At this time I was also purging when I did eat, so you can imagine how many calories my body was actually getting. Binge-purge episodes were frequent; I'd spend hours in the bathroom to ensure every bit of food was evacuated.

It became an obsession...how skinny could I get?? I hit 115lbs...could I reach 110lbs? I hit 110lbs...could I hit 100lbs? I had no goal, just to continue getting skinnier and was willing to do whatever it took. Exercise and calorie counting became my life. I read and researched diets and "healthy eating." I cut out whole food groups because they were too high calorie or "unhealthy" to my body or the environment. I became an ovo-vegetarian and remained that way for 6 years - crazy to think now considering all the chicken, fish & ground turkey I currently consume!

When I was 18 years old I was rushed in for an emergency appendectomy and needed to spend a few days in hospital. I was so worried about eating when I couldn't exercise, feeling that every calorie would end up as fat and I'd negate all the hard work I'd done at the gym & with my starvation. I'd take a sit of juice and push the rest of my tray away...juice is too high calorie, I didn't know what was in the food they tried to feed me, I was on IV fluids after all, wouldn't that provide me with enough nutrients? Yes, this is how my naive & obsessed mind worked...

By the time I stepped on the scale post-surgery my weight hit a disgusting low of 89lbs. I'm only 5"2, but at this weight my body hurt. I remember lying in the bath one day, my body fat so low that my skin clung to my skeleton and hip bones felt like they were going to rip through my skin. Looking at pictures of myself now I shake my head in despair and embarrassment, but at the time I couldn't see how skinny I'd become. My mom begged me to gain weight and for the 1st time lying in that bath I knew I needed to weigh more, I didn't want my body to hurt all the time anymore. 96-102lbs was what I thought would be perfect...

I managed to overcome the anorexia and started eating and eventually...quite a few years later I may add...stopped the purging, but the binges still remain. I am a MAJOR emotional eater! When I'm happy I eat...sad I eat...mad I eat...confused I eat...basically I EAT. If it wasn't for my intense exercise at least 5 days a week I swear I'd be 500lbs...And I'm ready to overcome this poor coping mechanism.

My motivation was increased after reading the August edition of Cover Model Insider in Fitness Rx Magazine with Dianna Dahlgren. http://www.fitnessrxwomen.com/life-health/cover-model-insider-with-dianna-dahlgren/.

Dianna was interviewed to accompany her workout and diet advice in an article titled "Look Great in Your Favorite Jeans." My interest was immediately peaked when the model started discussing her previous issues with binge eating and how she overcame her Eating Disorder. Being a gatherer of information, I went online and searched out Dianna's website and email address and sent her an email. Man was I shocked when I got a response less than 2 hours later!! Her honesty and compassion was so unexpected and a relief to someone like myself, who is currently dealing with Binge Eating issues. She sympathized with my desire to overcome my Eating Disorder, suggested I seek professional help as she had, and recommended the book "Overcoming Binge Eating" by Christopher Fairburn.

I replied instantly to her message, thanking Dianna for her quick, truthful reply and advice. Then, I logged into the Calgary Public Library website to request the book. I was shocked again when the model replied instantly with a second book suggestion "Intuitive Eating" by Evelyn Tribole.

Since I haven't received notification that my 1st book order has arrived, I just went back onto the Library website to re-request it, along with this second recommendation.

Along with this initial step towards recovery, I also went onto my work employee assistance program's website to look for counselling options. I was initially discouraged when I requested a counsellor online, only to have her call me a week later and tell me that she was unwilling to provide Eating Disorder help over the phone and since she lived in Toronto and I live in Calgary there was no face-to-face option. My anger towards her stopped me from calling the service back, but led me to their website where I found out I could request a Dietician and Health Management Nurse appointment online.

Last week I had my 1st Dietician appointment. She took my history, did a basic diet assessment and advised she would look into all of my options as she wants to make sure I'm connected with someone who deals with the psychological/emotional, as well as the food-aspects of Binge Eating. I haven't heard back from Lisa yet, but feel confident that she is following up on my situation.

It's a small start and I have come SO far on my own, but it's the last part that is so hard and requires the most work. It's taken a long time, but I'm finally ready to put out the effort, stop Binging, and lose the weight those binges are causing me to hold onto once and for all.

RIVALUS Review & Commentary: My New Workout & Protein Supplements

This week I started using a new supplement line RIVALUS http://www.rivalus.net/. I've heard a lot about the line and a couple people have recommended it to me knowing I support high quality, Canadian-made products that are free of banned substances. I appreciate the science behind RIVALUS, which has focused on creating products that aim to improve the body composition and performance of Professional & Olympic Athletes, but mainstream and approachable enough for bodybuilders and regular gym-folk like me! I also commend the company for its support of Amateur athletes by donating partial profits to scholarships for student-athletes and supporting sporting programs.

I decided to purchase the RIVALUS pre-workout and post-workout powdered products, along with their strawberry and chocolate flavored protein powders. I figured I'd give the whole line a chance since I'd heard such good things about it from Athletes and bodybuilders alike.

RIVALUS' pre-workout drink mix is called COMPLX5.

My motivation for trying this product stemmed from it being caffeine-free. I've been using straight caffeine pills, along with caffeine-fortified fat-burners for some time for their energy spike, especially prior to my morning workouts. The problem with these supplements is my Adrenals are taking a HUGE beating, which I feel is affecting my mood and overall functioning. The post-caffeine crash makes me feel like ass and since my ability to fall asleep is already crap I've been trying to decrease my overall caffeine consumption, especially in the afternoons. The problem with this is I most often hit the gym when I get off work...exhausted from a full day of nursing and dealing with patients.

I was intrigued to find in RIVALUS a pre-workout supplement that could give me the added oomph to rock my training without keeping me up all night and decided to give it a try. A local Skeleton Athlete uses the products and described COMPLX5 as having the ability to recycle my energy stores while buffering lactic acid build-up, so you can train harder and longer.

I decided to initiate the product with its biggest possible test on my body...an evening workout that started with 30 minutes of cardio at 7:30pm, included a 30 minute Core group exercise class and concluded with an hour of Yoga at 9:00pm...followed by me going home to start getting ready for the next day and bed. Since I usually end my workouts by 7:30pm, this provided an opportune time to test whether or not I would be kept awake by the later workout and the RIVALUS pre-workout COMPLX5.

First thing I'll say is the Fruit Punch Flavor I have is delish!! I've had other pre-workout powders that I couldn't even finish because of the horrid taste, so bonus points here! 30 minutes after taking the supplement I felt the same energy boost and jitters I normally get from caffeine and was worried about how long the effects would last...amazingly I had a great workout, I had plenty of energy to get through the whole thing...AND most importantly, I slept like a baby that night!! I was sold on COMPLX5 and its ability to uphold the company's promises and its reputation.

Knowing I wasn`t going straight home after the Yoga class I brought along a shaker with my RIVALUS Chocolate PROMASIL Protein Powder and the company`s post-workout recovery powder called POST-Rx. I added both of the powders to my shaker cup before I realized that POST-Rx is flavored...thus, I added a STRONG Lemon-Lime flavored drink mix to my Chocolate protein...I could smell my mistake right away and all I could think was "why would they flavor their glutamine/BCAA combo that most people would be adding to their protein shake post-workout!!??"

Which leads to my major critique of the RIVALUS brand...there are 3 flavors available for their pre-workout COMPLX5...but only 1 for their POST-Rx...a powder I don't think should be flavored at all. The purpose of a protein/glutamine/BCAA drink combination is immediate recovery and nutrients following a workout. I add water to my shaker cup and drink it as I exit the gym. I chose to purchase POST-Rx because I often forget to take my BCAA capsules, so I'm not getting the instant effect, which would be most beneficial. I figured that buying the powder would allow me to mix my protein and glutamine/BCAA combo to avoid this issue. Instead, I now have another problem...I need to bring my protein and glutamine/BCAA separately somehow (2 shakers?? in small tupperware??) and mix each separately with water one at a time because the combination of Chocolate and Lemon-Lime was horrid!!

I also purchased the Strawberry flavored PROMASIL Protein powder...which may work ok with the Lemon-Lime POST-Rx, but I would much rather an unflavored glutamine/BCAA so the flavor of the protein powder comes through! I guess if I'd purchased the Vanilla PROMASIL it would have worked the best...but I wanted Chocolaty Goodness!!!

Which leads me to my second critique of the RIVALUS line...their PROMASIL Protein needs more flavor in general...the is directed towards their Chocolate and Strawberry flavors (I can`t speak about the Vanilla as I have yet to try it). I like to add a lot of water to my post workout drink as a rehydrator as well as a nutrient booster. I made this mistake the 1st night and had the most watery lemon-lime-chocolate concoction ever! Last night I used a lot less water with the Strawberry flavor and still no flavor punch. They really need to boost the flavor concentration to enhance palatability!

Notice that thus far my critique hasn't been so much about the value of the product and its benefit to Athletes as much as nit-picking about their taste/flavoring issues. My only other critique belongs to the sales guys at GNC who tout PROMASIL as the lowest calorie protein powder in the store...true...EXCEPT that the reason it`s lower calorie is the scoop is smaller!!! 1 scoop of PROMASIL contains only 25g, while most others in the store hold 35-45g. Of Course it will have fewer calories per scoop if the scoop is smaller, but it will also have less protein per serving (20g). Since I`m looking to lose weight not put on mass, the smaller portion and protein content works well for me, but the same may not be true for someone looking to add strength and size...and may thus need 2 scoops per drink...now that I think of it this would also probably concentrate the flavor if you used the same amount of water, so possibly the 2 scoop serving is suggested??

My positive review of the RIVALUS line is related to its composition and overall benefit for Athletes, Bodybuilders and others looking for a high-quality, well-researched supplement line. For these reasons, despite the flavoring issues I would recommend the products I have tried. I have a REALLY sensitive stomach and know IMMEDIATELY if a product isn't top quality with pain, bloating and awful gas - sorry, but true! I haven't had any gastrointestinal issues at all with any of the RIVALUS products and have now been using them for a week, which says a lot about the quality of the ingredients. I got the pump I was looking for with COMPLX5 without any crash or issues sleeping and so far I'm feeling great about the results I'm seeing from POST-Rx and PROMASIL.

Protein Pancakes - the bad and the good recipes

Yesterday afternoon I made the ProteinPow Apple Protein Pancakes and unfortunately was quite disappointed with the recipe. http://www.proteinpow.com/2012/09/my-bodybuildingcom-protein-pancakes.html?m=1

I agree with the negative feedback the blogger had previously received on the recipe. Despite taking her suggestions on how to produce a yummy result the pancakes I made turned out really dense, dry and not worth repeating. I didn't add blueberries to mine and used Vanilla Whey instead of her recommended Strawberry because I wanted to finish up the container I had as I've recently purchased a new line of Protein supplements (more on this in my next post). I added cinnamon for extra spice and this combined with the apple provided a good Apple Pie taste to my pancakes, but the flavor couldn't take away from the dense, dryness of the pancakes that made them difficult to chew and swallow (extra water required!!). I'll give another ProteinPow recipe a chance in the future as Anna's blog wouldn't be so popular if the result of most recipes wasn't fantastic.

The protein pancakes that I've made in the past that turn out AMAZING are the Pumpkin Protein Pancakes posted by Jamie Eason as part of her LiveFit program on bodybuilding.com that I've discussed previously http://www.bodybuilding.com/fun/video-jamie-eason-pumpkin-spice-pancakes.htm. I've made these many times and they always turn out delicious and perfect. Make sure you look them Low and Slow or you'll end up with yucky pancakes that are burnt on the outside and raw inside.

Pumpkin Spice Pancakes

Ingredients:

• 1 1/2 cups oat flour
• 2 tbsp Splenda
• 1 tbsp baking powder
• 1/2 tsp salt
• 2 tbsp cinnamon
• 1/4 tsp allspice
• 1/4 tsp nutmeg
• 4 egg whites
• 1/2 cup raw pumpkin
• 1 1/2 cups unsweetened Almond milk

Directions:

1. Preheat griddle to medium heat.
2. Mix oat flour, Splenda, baking powder, salt, cinnamon, allspice and nutmeg in a bowl.
3. Wisk egg whites and pumpkin. Mix in Almond milk.
4. Add wet ingredients to dry ingredients and mix together.
5. Spray griddle with non-stick butter spray.
6. Scoop batter with a 1/4 cup measuring cup onto griddle. Cook 3-5 minutes on a side.

Makes 10 pancakes

Calories: 64
Fat: 1.3 grams
Carbs: 9.5 grams
Protein: 3.5 grams
Sugar: 0 grams

I also LOVE to make Jamie's Protein Crepes! http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10150988733305574&set=a.10150170532755574.419987.327738720573&type=1&ref=nf  They can be a wraper for just about anything, and can be made savory or sweet. I've filled mine with yogurt, cottage cheese, a soy cheese slice, avocado slices, a fried egg, banana and peanut butter...let your imagination be your guide to a delicious breakfast or snack! My keys to successful crepes are beating the egg whites until frothy before adding the rest of the ingredients and covering them while they cook to allow them to rise nicely before you flip them.

Cottage Cheese Crepe

½ cup egg whites

¼ cup unsweetened almond milk (or whatever milk you use)

2 tbsp wheat germ, oat bran, chia seeds or ground flax seeds (I use flax)

Dash spice of your choice (cinnamon, pumpkin pie, pepper, etc)

Filling of your choice, you can add extra spice to the filling for extra flavor!

1.      Heat a skillet over medium-low heat. Whisk together egg whites, almond milk, wheat germ and spice. Pour into skillet and cover, this allows the crepe to puff and rise.

2.      When crepe begins to pull away from sides of pan and browns, carefully flip, turn off heat and cover until cooked through.

3.      Transfer to plate and put your favorite filling on half. Fold crepe over to form a wrap and enjoy!

Makes 1 Serving

198 calories; 2g healthy fat; 13g carbs; 32g protein

Final Week of the 30 Day Transformation

On Monday I enter into the final week of the 30 Day Transformation Program and despite following the workouts as described my Transformation has unfortunately been in the opposite direction to that which was expected due to my binge eating and non-compliance with the Meal Plan. Basically, so far I have been a failure to Nicole Wilkins and her Program :(

This morning I woke up very down on myself for a HUGE binge last night, which started at work and continued until I was in bed. I made the horrific decision to purchase some Peanut Butter Granola on my lunch-time grocery store trip...an item I'd seen a couple weeks ago and had been obsessing about trying ever since. I proceeded to consume the granola for the rest of the work day, I admit it is really tasty and I LOVE crispy, crunchy foods. PLUS anything Peanut Butter is like kryptonite to me. I should have thrown it out when I saw myself getting out of control, or at least before I left, but instead it's there...waiting for next Friday...when I will toss it in the trash as soon as I arrive!!!! I'm praying someone eats it all before then...

After work, I decided this would be the perfect time to get my Smile Cookie from Tim Horton's. Not because I was hungry, or even wanted more sweet foods, but because I'd already started...why stop now?? WHY can't I stop once I've started?? Why do I let myself get completely out of control?? Why do I just keep eating all the things I know I shouldn't saying I'll start fresh the next day, instead of stopping and starting fresh right then and there like I counsel all my clients to do??

Since I'd had the cookie I decided to include more food that I'm allergic to, at this point I didn't give a shit about anything but stuffing my face. I bow my head now in embarrassment and regret. I continued to kill my gut with a Starbucks Pumpkin Scone - which really isn't all that it's cracked up to be. I found it very sweet and dry and I heated it up too much so the icing burnt the roof of my mouth...a fail that is still painful.

The amount of total food I consumed is too gross and pathetic to continue listing. What I will say is that waking today feeling completely down on myself and looking like a bloated, puffy, disgusting mess did NOTHING to enhance my already crushed self-concept. I feel like everyone can see my protruding pregnant-looking stomach. That everyone is shaking their heads thinking "she's look so much better if she lost a couple pounds." More than anything I'm ashamed to write that instead of losing weight as I'd hoped I'm up to a revolting 123.2lbs.

I know I need to stop these behaviors. I know I can succeed if I just get my head in the game...So I woke up today with a plan to get through the next 7 days. A plan to get back on diet, to stop overeating and to get back to the 121.2lbs I was sitting at last Monday.

I laugh to myself, you must be so sick of hearing me start over and trust me it's an embarrassing thing to admit. I could sit there and pretend that everything is going well. I could lie and say I'm doing what I should to have success. I refuse to do this. Good or Bad I'm going to report on my progress honestly.

I altered my 30 Day Meal Plan slightly when I woke up because I know I lose weigh between 1300 and 1400 calories instead of between 1400 and 1500 calories that were on the initial plan. I also know that I do better on less carbs, so I took out the quinoa and switched it to Rice Cakes on the lower carb days. I know it's just puffed rice, but I feel fuller and more satisfied eating these than any other cooked grain.

My Best Body Meal Plan
Meal  1                                                                                            Calories & Carbs
4oz Unsweetened Almond Milk	20, 1/2 carb
2 tbsp Chia Seed	130, ½ carb
1 c Mixed Berries or other Fruit equivalent	70, 1 carb
Totals           220, 2 carb
Meal 2
3 oz Chicken Breast	150
Large Salad	30
1 cup Green Beans	40
1 Rice Cake	35, ½ carb
Totals           255, 1/2g carb
Meal 3 (pre and post workout as veg throughout day as needed)
½ c White Beans OR ½ pkg tofu & 1 Rice Cake OR 1 Soy Cheese slice & 1 Rice Cake	110, 1 carb
Apple	95, 1 carb
1 c Raw Baby Carrots	55
4 stalks Celery	30
1 scoop Protein Powder	90
Totals           380, 2 carb
Meal 4
3.5oz Extra Lean Ground Turkey Breast or Fish	120
Large Salad with romaine, cabbage, carrot, etc & Balsamic Vinegar	45
1 c Spaghetti Squash	45, 1 carb
Totals           210, 1 carb
Meal 5
1/3 Dry Oats cooked with 1 tbsp Flax Seed and water OR 1 Protein Pancake	140, 1 carb
½ c Egg Whites	60
1/8 Avocado	30
Totals         230, 1 carb
Daily Total 1295, 6 ½ carb

I credit Anna Sward at http://www.proteinpow.com/ 

for the Protein Pancake recipe I intend to try, which she has on her blog and included in an article she wrote for bodybuilding.com http://www.bodybuilding.com/fun/4-whey-wonders-secret-behind-protein-muffins-and-pancakes.html?mcid=facenutrition&welcome=true. Her Blog has a HUGE following, but I don't think I've ever attempted one of her recipes, so I'm quite excited to see how they turn out! I hope to make them this afternoon and have them prepared and frozen, I'll link the recipe and how they turn out in my next post. I already made all the other meals for the week, which are stacked in my fridge and freezer...aka NO EXCUSES!!! I really want to produce a positive, happy posting. I really need to see some success...both for my body and for my self-esteem. Getting out of this rut NEEDS to start here...now...and it DOES.

Blogging + Busy Life = Difficult

As you can see, I was able to put up 1 full day of food...and nothing since! Now I'm not sure if the ladies blogging daily don't have full-time jobs, if their jobs allow them time to spend blogging, or if they have more hours in their day than I do, but there is NO way I'm going to be able to achieve my goal of posting my food log daily.
#1 recording my food takes a lot of time
#2 by the time I finish work, go to the gym, get home/fed/showered/chores done/prepared for the next day it's time for bed...aka there's no time to sit down and Blog for an hour about how that day went!

Instead, I guess I have to continue as I have been, recording my good days and bad & changes to my exercise & food plan as I'm able.

I was forced to consider my eating patterns this morning when I read a post on Facebook from Muscle & Fitness Hers Magazine that hit too close to home because it's VERY true:

I sighed then...and sigh now reading it again. I have the power not to look for more food. I have the ability to not eat more. I have to be the one that makes this decision...

And so far this week I have been pretty good. The almond butter is finished and out of the house other than a serving that I put aside to make a brussels sprout dish for Thanks Giving dinner and enough to make 1 treat from http://chocolatecoveredkatie.com/ my favorite desert Blog because she posts Single Serving Selections!!! I knew buying the almond butter was a mistake, but it was on sale and somehow convinced myself that this made it ok. WRONG! I have been able to avoid most other temptations and eat smaller portions when I do cave in.

I know I'm going to want a treat sometime this weekend after working so hard this week and I know exactly how I'm spending those calories. Every year Tim Horton's has 1 week where 100% of the proceeds from their Smile Cookies go to the Neonatal ICU wards throughout the city. As a Labor and Delivery nurse I have a big place in my heart for the NICU and the amazing work the nurses and doctors do there. I also have a special place in my heart for chocolate chip cookies ;) Who doesn't smile when they see a smiley face and my happiness this weekend will come from enjoying a delicious bite while supporting a fantastic cause!!

Food Log Show and Tell - Mission: Halloween Costume

On Friday as I was driving to work I saw one of the pop-up Halloween costume & novelty shops and realized...holy crap it's just over a month until Halloween and there's no fricken way I'm fitting into my costume! I ordered the cutest Racy Robin Hood costume last year online and unfortunately it was too small...and BIG problem it arrived 3 days before Halloween! I was SO upset...

I made a mad rush to the costume shops and ended up going as Rainbow Bright (if you were born in the 80's you'll know ;). I should have exchanged the Robin Hood costume, but honestly didn't want to pay the extra shipping costs...AND I figured I had 365 full days to lose the 5-10lbs necessary to zip up the sexy Princess of Thieves, easy right???!!! Well...it looks like I was wrong and MAN was that a hard pill to swallow...

It was that moment that I was enlightened with my new Mission...should I choose to accept it (which of course I will!)...: to lose the weight necessary to be Racy Robin Hood for Halloween...whether I end up going out or not!!!

I was recently cruising through last month's Fitness Magazine and came across an article featuring some of the top fitness, weight loss and training blogs. I was interested to see that some people post daily or multiple times during a day...which got me thinking...most nights before I go to bed I use my "Lose It" App to create my food plan for the next day. The problem is that I rarely follow that plan because I have no accountability. I know I'd lose weight easily on the 1300-1500 calories I allot myself for the day with the amount of exercise I do, but since I'm regularly eating WAY more than planned I'm either gaining or staying the same.

Looking at those other well-known Blogs it came to me...I need to be posting daily and posting what I'm eating! The accountability factor is there - I know I need to record my food to have available to post AND most importantly, knowing others will be reading the Blog will ensure that I'm not eating crap, overeating or bingeing!

So here it is...my first day of food and exercise and the start of my Halloween Costume Mission. I was able to avoid the donuts in the lunch room that smelled so good right under my nose as I ate my lunch, the cookies in the cupboard that are supposed to be for patients and the peanut butter that was put in the break room for our enjoyment. All because I knew I'd have to add those items to my food log and I didn't want that posted!!
 

Monday Sep 17, 2012 6:15am 1/2 c diet cran juice in large water 1/2 c egg white with 1/8 avocado Coffee with unsweetened chocolate almond milk   9:00am 1/3c large oats cooked with 1tbsp ground flax and cinnamon   11:00 Tea with 1% milk   11:45 3.5 oz chicken breast 1/2 c roasted potatoes & beets 1 c stir fry with cabbage, kale, onion 1/2 rice cake couple Baby carrots, celery, snow peas   12:40 Diet ginger ale   2:30pm 1/2 rice cake Dried coconut Diet coke   3:30 Couple Baby Carrots, celery 1 tsp PB Couple tortilla chips (they were in little pieces, hard to say exact amount)   5:45pm 200g 0% sugar free yogurt 2 tbsp chia/hemp seeds mixture Large peach 1/2 rice cake Couple tortilla chips Crystal Lite   7:30pm Apple   8:00 - workout 30 mins cross trainer Weights: 30 Day Transformation Day #1   9:30pm 1/2 rice cake Rest of the carrots, celery & snow peas   10:15 4oz xtra lean ground turkey 2 c mixed fzn Veg (carrot, broccoli & cauliflower) Large salad with romaine, iceberg, cabbage, cherry tomatoes & balsamic vinegar Flavored sparkling water   11:00 Rice cake with coconut oil Soy cheese slice almond butter - too much Large Handful grapes Sugar free Jello

You can see by the small snacks in the afternoon that I clearly wasn't full after lunch and was just trying to get through until my last break when I could have another snack. I was starving when I got home from the gym to have my dinner because I decided to skip the Protein Shake...but instead of looking for crap to fill the space I scarfed down my dinner and a big salad and jumped in the shower...distraction, eating avoidance technique #1!

Unfortunately, I decided after the shower that since I skipped the Protein Shake I'd be able to have a tablespoon of Almond Butter...BIG mistake :( I basically negated my whole workout by eating it by the spoonful straight out of the jar...and it wasn't just a couple spoonful’s...It had felt really good to be on-track and I was so proud of myself for hitting the gym for a solid workout after a 12 hour shift at the hospital. I hate the feeling of ruining a great day and how much I beat myself up...

I'm planning to post the following day so I can't eat extra food after the Blog has already been published. I know myself ALL too well, if there's a loop hole I'm going to find it and take advantage of it. My ups and downs...wins and losses, hopefully being open with myself and the world about these challenges will help me overcome and move forward...

Epic Fail Food Week :'(

This week has been the Worst food week in SO long. I Really NEED to find a Coping mechanism that doesn't involve eating :( *sigh*

Every evening I do my food log for the next day, every night I lay in bed and plan out how I'm going to make the next day better, what I'm going to do differently...how I'm going to actually stay on diet...then wake up and do something during the day to ruin it...which leads me to packing it in for  the day and leading to a huge binge. For unknown reasons I can't make a small mistake and just move on...I've got an all-or-nothing attitude that I can't escape and I end up beating myself into the ground for being a failure...

In the upcoming weeks I'm thinking of doing a modified version of the Meal Plan that goes with the 30 Day Total Body Transformation Program. I still have food prepared from last week that fits basically into the program and as I go forward I can more closely follow the meal plan as I buy and make more food. Best Body Meal Plan requires Met-Rx's Protein & Oats protein powder, which I wouldn't be able to tolorate because it's a Whey Concentrate, but I can use my Whey Isolate Protein and Quinoa, Chia or Oats instead.

It is also heavy on the animal protein and I like one vegetable protein meal...so instead of the Salmon I'm thinking of doing Beans or Tofu. And will definitely not follow the supplement suggestions...#1 I can't afford to add new pills to my budget and #2 some of them I just don't think are helpful (ie the Met-Rx Joint Guard)

Here is the Original Diet Plan per Nicole Wilkin's 30 Day Best Body Transformation Program, followed by my modifications:

My Best Body Meal Plan
Meal  1                                                                                                                                                Calories & Carbs
4oz Plain Yogurt	80, 1 carb
2 tbsp Chia Seed	130
1 c Mixed Berries	70, 1 carb
Coffee with Almond Milk	10
Totals           220, 2 carb
Meal 2
3 oz Chicken Breast	150
1/3 c Quinoa	75, 2 carb
1 cup Green Beans	40
Totals           265, 1g carb
Meal 3 (pre and post workout as veg throughout day as needed)
½ c White Beans	110, 1 carb
Apple	95, 1 carb
1 c Raw Baby Carrots	55
4 stalks Celery	30
1 scoop Protein Powder	140
Totals           430, 2 carb
Meal 4
4oz Extra Lean Ground Turkey Breast or Fish	150
Large Salad with romaine, cabbage, carrot, etc & Balsamic Vinegar	45
1 c Spaghetti Squash	45, 1 carb
Totals           240, 1 carb
Meal 5
1/3 Dry Oats cooked with 1 tbsp Flax Seed and water	140, 1 carb
½ c Egg Whites	60
1/8 Avocado	30
Totals         230, 1 carb
Supplements: Renew Life Digestive Enzyme (with each meal), 3 fat burner caps (2 in morning, 1 at lunch), 2 Webber Triple Strength Omega 3 Fish Oil (2 different meals), 2 Progressive Multi Vitamin (2 different meals), 1  B-Complex Vitamin (meal not containing multi), 1 CoEnzyme Q10 (meal not containing multi), 1 ReNew Life Probiotic, 2 Tbsp liquid Magnesium (before bed)
Daily Total 1455, 7 carb

On a positive note, my adhearance to my new workout plan has been pretty spot-on. And MAN are they hard! The workouts don't look that difficult...4-5 exercises plus cardio, No Biggie...Right?? Well kinda... the difficulty comes with the 4 sets, I usually do 3...and the rest period...only 30-45 seconds between each set! When you're trying to lift as heavy as possible to fatigue completely with each set that's intense! The Circuit days are crazy hard too because you don't get a rest between sets...Especially when you combine the 2 days and do 1 Giant Circuit like I did this week to fit all the workouts in...something I definately don't recommend!! Instead I've started doing 2 minutes of cardio between the Circuits as a "rest" that also keeps my heart rate up.

THE WORKOUTS At least 30 minutes of cardio daily, vary your cardio equipment & intensity each day
EXERCISE                                                                                                             SETS                                REPS
Day 1: Upper Body #1 – Straight Sets
Lat Pulldows http://www.bodybuilding.com/exercises/detail/view/name/wide-grip-lat-pulldown	4 – 27.5lb	12
Decline Push-Ups off Stability Ball http://www.bodybuilding.com/exercises/detail/view/name/push-ups-with-feet-elevated	3	as many as possible
Seated Lateral Raise http://www.bodybuilding.com/exercises/detail/view/name/seated-side-lateral-raise	4 – 10lbs bilat	12
Triceps Pushdown http://www.bodybuilding.com/exercises/detail/view/name/triceps-pushdown	4 – 15lb	12
Cable Biceps Curl http://www.bodybuilding.com/exercises/detail/view/name/cable-hammer-curls-rope-attachment	4 – 15lb	12
Bonus 60 Second Finisher: Blupees http://videos.bodybuilding.com/watch/95102/exercise-guides-burpee-female-clip	1	as many as possible
Day 2: Leg-Shaping Circuit – perform 1 set of each exercise and move on to the next, repeat the circuit 4 times
Weighted Reverse Lunges off Bench http://www.bodybuilding.com/exercises/detail/view/name/dumbbell-rear-lunge	1 – 10lbs bilat	15 (each leg)
Mountain Climbers http://www.bodybuilding.com/exercises/detail/view/name/mountain-climbers	1	30 seconds
Bench Jumps http://www.bodybuilding.com/exercises/detail/view/name/front-box-jump	1	10
Jump Lunges http://www.bodybuilding.com/exercises/detail/view/name/scissors-jump	1	10 (each leg)
Jumping Jacks	1	30 seconds
Bonus 60 Second Finisher: Bodyweight Squats http://www.bodybuilding.com/exercises/detail/view/name/bodyweight-squat	1	as many as possible
Day 3: Upper Body #2 – Straight Sets
Assisted Pull-Ups Narrow Grip http://www.bodybuilding.com/exercises/detail/view/name/chin-up	3 – 45lbs	as many as possible
Dumbbell Chest Flyes http://www.bodybuilding.com/exercises/detail/view/name/dumbbell-flyes	4 – 12.5lbs bilat	12
Seated Dumbbell Shoulder Press http://www.bodybuilding.com/exercises/detail/view/name/seated-dumbbell-press	4 – 15 lbs bilat	12
Standing Barbell Curls http://www.bodybuilding.com/exercises/detail/view/name/barbell-curl	4 – 20lbs	12
Bench Triceps Dips http://www.bodybuilding.com/exercises/detail/view/name/bench-dips	3	as many as possible
Bonus 60 Second Finisher: Push-Ups http://www.bodybuilding.com/exercises/detail/view/name/pushups	1	as many as possible
Day 4: Abdominal Circuit – perform 1 set of each exercise and move on to the next, repeat the circuit 4 times
Crunches with 2 second Hold at Top http://www.bodybuilding.com/exercises/detail/view/name/crunches	4	20
Leg Raises with Hip Thrust on Bench http://www.bodybuilding.com/exercises/detail/view/name/flat-bench-lying-leg-raise	4	15
Twisting Sit-Ups on Decline Bench http://www.bodybuilding.com/exercises/detail/view/name/decline-oblique-crunch	4	10 (each side)
Plank Hold http://www.bodybuilding.com/exercises/detail/view/name/plank	4	60 seconds
Day 5: Yoga or Light Cardio

I tried taking photos of the exercises with my iPhone, but they turned out WAY too small and out of focus to use on here so instead I've created my own Table and have found the exercise instructions on www.bodybuilding.com.  I have included the weight that I used for each exercise as samples, but feel free to lift lighter or heavier based on your strength!

Now most people out there are unlike me and need a heavy weight leg day to work their lower half. I find that my legs grow too big, too fast if I do any more than the occational Butt day, which I'll throw into the above workouts every now and then when I have an extra workout day that I want to do weights, instead of just cardio. For everyone else, here's the lower day included in the 30 Day Transformation Program.

Day 5: Lower Body Resistance Training – Straight Sets
Barbell Squats	4	15
Walking Lunge	4	20 (each leg)
Bulgarian Split Squats	4	15 (each leg)
Leg Extension Machine	4	15
Seated Hamstring Curl Machine	4	15
Stiff-Leg Deadlifts	4	15
Climbing Calf Raises (walking up stairs, full range)	15 (5 second rest between sets)	10
Day 6: Yoga or Light Cardio

Going into week 2, again my goals are to complete all the weight days and more than anything GET ON DIET!! My biggest goal is directed towards my night time eating ie My Cryptonite :( After speaking with a dietician colleague of mine I know that weight loss requires no more than 7 - 15g carb servings per day, which I am starting to try and follow instead of counting calories. This allows me to eat more in the evening, as long as I'm only having Protein, Vegetables and Good Fats. I'm still trying to cut down my sugar (including artificial sweetener) intake as I know that eating sweets causes me to crave sweets. As the sweetened items leave my house I will not be replacing then, except Maybe the diet pop...I'm trying to replace a lot of it with Sparkling Water, but I still do love the bubbles and how they make me feel full, the caffeine and honestly the sweet taste...we'll see...

    Carbohydrate Counting 7-9 servings/day for women

Grains	1 Serving = 15 g carbs
Bagel (white or whole wheat)	1/2 of a small
Bread (white or whole wheat)	1 slice (1 ounce)
Bun (white or whole wheat)	1/2 of a small
Crackers, round butter style	6
Dry cereal, unsweetened	3/4 cup
English muffin	1/2 of a small
Hot cereal (oatmeal, grits, etc.)	1/2 cup cooked
Macaroni, noodles, pasta or spaghetti	1/3 cup cooked
Pancakes and waffles	1 (4-inch diameter)
Pizza crust, thin	1/8 of a 12-inch pizza
Rice (white or brown)	1/3 cup cooked
Beans & Legumes	1 Serving = 15 g carbs
Baked beans	1/3 cup cooked
Beans (navy, black, pinto, red, etc.)	1/2 cup cooked
Lentils	1/2 cup cooked
Starchy Vegetables	1 Serving = 15 g carbs
Baked potato (regular or sweet)	1/2 medium (4 inches long)
Corn	1/2 cup cooked
French fries, regular cut	10-15 fries
Peas	1/2 cup cooked
Winter squash (acorn, butternut, etc.)	1 cup cooked
Vegetable soup	1 cup
Fruits	1 Serving = 15 g carbs
Apple	1 small
Banana	1/2 medium
Blackberries/Blueberries	3/4 cup
Canned fruit (in light syrup or juice)	1/2 cup
Cantaloupe	1 cup cubed
Cherries	12 to 15
Grapefruit	1/2 large
Grapes	17 small
Honeydew melon	1 cup
Orange	1 small
Peach	1 small
Pear	1 small
Raspberries	1 cup
Strawberries	1 1/2 cup whole
Watermelon	1 1/4 cup cubed
100% Fruit Juices	1 Serving = 15 g carbs
Apple juice	1/2 cup
Cranberry juice	1/3 cup
Grape juice	1/3 cup
Grapefruit juice	1/2 cup
Orange juice	1/2 cup
Pineapple juice	1/2 cup
Dairy Products	1 Serving = 15 g carbs
Milk (skim or 1% fat)	1 cup
Yogurt (plain, light or sugar-free)	1 cup
Sweets & Snacks	1 Serving = 15 g carbs
Cookies	2 small
Chips	0.75 oz
Frozen yogurt, regular	1/2 cup
Ice cream (light)	1/2 cup
Popcorn (plain or air-popped)	3 cups
Pretzels	0.75 oz
Pudding (sugar-free)	1/2 cup