Starting Treatment & Therapy: My Obsession Confession

As I've stated in previous entries, I've been dealing with Eating Disorder behaviors since high school. In my late teens and early 20's I was anorexic - eating less than 800 calories per day at one point while exercising 2+ hours per day. At this time I was also purging when I did eat, so you can imagine how many calories my body was actually getting. Binge-purge episodes were frequent; I'd spend hours in the bathroom to ensure every bit of food was evacuated.

It became an obsession...how skinny could I get?? I hit 115lbs...could I reach 110lbs? I hit 110lbs...could I hit 100lbs? I had no goal, just to continue getting skinnier and was willing to do whatever it took. Exercise and calorie counting became my life. I read and researched diets and "healthy eating." I cut out whole food groups because they were too high calorie or "unhealthy" to my body or the environment. I became an ovo-vegetarian and remained that way for 6 years - crazy to think now considering all the chicken, fish & ground turkey I currently consume!

When I was 18 years old I was rushed in for an emergency appendectomy and needed to spend a few days in hospital. I was so worried about eating when I couldn't exercise, feeling that every calorie would end up as fat and I'd negate all the hard work I'd done at the gym & with my starvation. I'd take a sit of juice and push the rest of my tray away...juice is too high calorie, I didn't know what was in the food they tried to feed me, I was on IV fluids after all, wouldn't that provide me with enough nutrients? Yes, this is how my naive & obsessed mind worked...

By the time I stepped on the scale post-surgery my weight hit a disgusting low of 89lbs. I'm only 5"2, but at this weight my body hurt. I remember lying in the bath one day, my body fat so low that my skin clung to my skeleton and hip bones felt like they were going to rip through my skin. Looking at pictures of myself now I shake my head in despair and embarrassment, but at the time I couldn't see how skinny I'd become. My mom begged me to gain weight and for the 1st time lying in that bath I knew I needed to weigh more, I didn't want my body to hurt all the time anymore. 96-102lbs was what I thought would be perfect...

I managed to overcome the anorexia and started eating and eventually...quite a few years later I may add...stopped the purging, but the binges still remain. I am a MAJOR emotional eater! When I'm happy I eat...sad I eat...mad I eat...confused I eat...basically I EAT. If it wasn't for my intense exercise at least 5 days a week I swear I'd be 500lbs...And I'm ready to overcome this poor coping mechanism.

My motivation was increased after reading the August edition of Cover Model Insider in Fitness Rx Magazine with Dianna Dahlgren. http://www.fitnessrxwomen.com/life-health/cover-model-insider-with-dianna-dahlgren/.

Dianna was interviewed to accompany her workout and diet advice in an article titled "Look Great in Your Favorite Jeans." My interest was immediately peaked when the model started discussing her previous issues with binge eating and how she overcame her Eating Disorder. Being a gatherer of information, I went online and searched out Dianna's website and email address and sent her an email. Man was I shocked when I got a response less than 2 hours later!! Her honesty and compassion was so unexpected and a relief to someone like myself, who is currently dealing with Binge Eating issues. She sympathized with my desire to overcome my Eating Disorder, suggested I seek professional help as she had, and recommended the book "Overcoming Binge Eating" by Christopher Fairburn.

I replied instantly to her message, thanking Dianna for her quick, truthful reply and advice. Then, I logged into the Calgary Public Library website to request the book. I was shocked again when the model replied instantly with a second book suggestion "Intuitive Eating" by Evelyn Tribole.

Since I haven't received notification that my 1st book order has arrived, I just went back onto the Library website to re-request it, along with this second recommendation.

Along with this initial step towards recovery, I also went onto my work employee assistance program's website to look for counselling options. I was initially discouraged when I requested a counsellor online, only to have her call me a week later and tell me that she was unwilling to provide Eating Disorder help over the phone and since she lived in Toronto and I live in Calgary there was no face-to-face option. My anger towards her stopped me from calling the service back, but led me to their website where I found out I could request a Dietician and Health Management Nurse appointment online.

Last week I had my 1st Dietician appointment. She took my history, did a basic diet assessment and advised she would look into all of my options as she wants to make sure I'm connected with someone who deals with the psychological/emotional, as well as the food-aspects of Binge Eating. I haven't heard back from Lisa yet, but feel confident that she is following up on my situation.

It's a small start and I have come SO far on my own, but it's the last part that is so hard and requires the most work. It's taken a long time, but I'm finally ready to put out the effort, stop Binging, and lose the weight those binges are causing me to hold onto once and for all.